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Have you ever woken up in your own bed, the place you sleep every night, and nothing felt right? Your room, that you spend every day in, seems foreign to you. Your belongings and furniture, the same ones that you've had your whole life, seem like you've never laid eyes on them before. Everything is exactly how and where you left it, and yet nothing is right. Everything is wrong. Everything in your world seems like a lie.
This feeling normally passes. It's normally caused by sleeping on the wrong side of the bed, or even spending an extended time outside of your house. A vacation or a family visit. You unfamiliarize yourself from your hole, so it becomes foreign and distant. Nothing seems real. The room, your home, that you've spent years building with your shit suddenly seems like it isn't yours anymore. It's still all of your shit, but goddamn if it doesn't feel like someone else's.
Generally one will glance around the room, panic, and slowly realize that they are safe in their own beds. Normally they'll laugh it off or just go back to sleep, depending on the time. No one makes a fuss about it, but we've all experienced it at least once. It can be a terrifying experience, waking up and feeling lost. Waking up in a place so strange but so familiar. The place you know the best, and you can't find the bathroom.
Tom woke up a few hours later, the sun shining bright into his room. He stretched and saw that it was about noon. His son wasn't in his bed anymore, so he got up to find him and make sure he was ok.
The door to his daughter, Molly's, room was open wide, and he could hear the TV on downstairs. He went down to make sure everyone was alright. Both of his kids were sitting on the couch watching some cartoon. "Hey guys, how are you?"
"We're fine, daddy." said Molly, with a tired expression.
"You don't sound fine, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, dad. We're fine." Tom assumed she was just tired, so he looked at Kenny.
"How about you, kiddo? Sleep ok in daddy's bed?"
Kenny yawned, and smiled. "Yeah, dad. I slept great. Thanks."
"Why did you sleep in dad's bed? Did you get scared again?" said Molly, pushing him.
"Shutup..." Kenny replied, embarrassed.
"Woah woah woah, again? What do you mean again?" asked Tom.
"Nothing, dad!" Kenny said angrily, pushing Molly back.
"He's been hearing noises, dad. He thinks there's a boogey man that lives outside of his window. He's just being a baby."
"Kenny, why am I just hearing about this? How long has this been going on?"
"Weeks! Months, maybe!" yelled Molly.
"Just a few nights, dad..."
"You should have told me sooner. You can sleep in my bed anytime you feel afraid, ok? You too, Molly."
Molly rolled her eyes and changed the channel on the TV. Tom was concerned about Kenny, and decided to see what was going on.
That night, Kenny laid down in Tom's bed, and instantly fell asleep. Tom lay next to him, and strained to listen for any noises. He turned off every light in the house, and left the door to his and Kenny's bedrooms open, so he could hear more clearly. He laid there for hours, and didn't hear a sound.
Around midnight, Tom's eyes started to droop. He could feel his head getting heavier, and he pulled the blanket to his chin. His eyes slowly started to close, and he gradually started to fall asleep.
Then, he heard it. It was so quiet, he wasn't sure if he actually did hear it or just thought he did. A scratching noise, from Kenny's room. He sat straight up and strained his ears again. Nothing. He stood up, and walked to his door. Still nothing. He walked carefully down the hall, and stood outside Kenny's room.
He heard another scratch. So small and quiet, he wouldn't have even heard it, had he not been holding his breath. He made his way into the small bedroom to the window, where the curtains were still closed from that day. He stood inches from the glass, and waited for the noise again. Scratch scratch scratch. He jumped back, the noise startled him.
Tom ripped open the curtains, but didn't see anything outside. He opened the window, and looked around outside. Nothing. There was nothing anywhere close that could have scratched at the window like that. He came back inside, and closed the window, which now had even more scratch marks than before.
He closed the curtains and went back to his bed. He didn't sleep all night. When Kenny woke up, Tom got out of bed and made them some breakfast. Molly soon joined them, and he dare not tell them what happened the night before.
'Tonight,' thought Tom, 'I'll sleep in Kenny's room, and see what is going on.'
Shuddering, Tom stood from his bed. He'd been asleep, but a feeling crept up his spine that he couldn't shake. He didn't know what it was, but something was wrong. He walked to the hallway, and looked in on his daughter. She was peacefully sleeping in her bed. He shut her door and proceeded to his son's room. Tom's son wasn't in bed, his comforter and pillows were on the floor.
Tom's heart skipped a beat, and his face went cold. He went into his son's room, and turned on the light. He looked under the bed, in the closet, and out on the balcony. There was no sign of his son.
He went back into the hall and ran downstairs, where he saw him lying in the living room floor. "Oh thank goodness." Tom breathed a sigh of relief and rushed to his boy. "What are you doing down her, Kenny?" he said, lifting him off the floor.
"I heard a noise and it scared me. I knocked on your door, but you were asleep. I was scared so I came downstairs to watch tv, and I fell asleep."
Tom held his son close, and rubbed his back. "It's ok, son. You can sleep with me the rest of the night." He carried Kenny up to his room, and laid him down in his bed. "What kind of noise did you hear?"
"It sounded like a big dog was scratching at my window." Kenny said, with fear in his voice.
"It was probably just the wind, son. Try and not think about it, go to sleep." Tom said. His boy rolled over and fell asleep almost instantly. Tom laid awake, worried this might become a persistent problem.
Tom woke up the next morning, and Kenny was still asleep. He decided to go take a look out of Kenny's window, to see what could have made the noise. There were no trees by there, so he couldn't figure out what could have been scratching at the window.
He looked, and there were indeed scratch marks on the window, but nothing was outside. He climbed out of the window onto the roof to look around, to see if there was anything that could have made such marks and noises, but he didn't see anything. He climbed back in and drew the shades closed, so Kenny wouldn't see the marks.
He walked passed his daughter's room, and she was still sleeping. He smiled in at her, and went back to bed.
...the villains would be Bane, working under Hugo Strange. Bane would be played by Tom Hardy, and his origins would be pretty much the same as in the comics. His dad was a revolutionary who was killed, and Bane as a small child would be thrown in prison in his place. Having to face a life sentence at such a young age would take a tole on his mind, and he ends up under the care of psychiatrist Hugo Strange.
Strange (played by Paul Giamatti) introduces Bane to the supplement that gives him his super-human strength, to study its effects on a human being. In this, Bane wouldn't have the tubes of Venom, but it'd be more of a steroids type thing.
Bane starts to use the supplement, and starts to become stronger, faster, and more agile. Strange trains him to be an amazing fighter, and when he decides Bane is ready, he puts him on the streets.
This is where Batman comes in. Bane starts to make a name for himself on the underbelly of Gotham, as a fighter of sorts. Batman investigates the mysterious new leading criminal.
Batman underestimates Bane's strength, and is severally injured. Maybe have a callback to the iconic "I break you" comic panel. After the fight, Batman is so injured he can barely move. Bane stands over his body, ready to finish him off, when Strange appears from the shadows, and tells him to hold off. They take off his mask, and Strange immediately recognizes him as Bruce Wayne.
They take him to the hospital, but let no one know who he is.
That's just about the first half hour or so, and I can't really think much right now. But, I think that'd be a pretty awesome movie right there.
What a great present.
Oh, and a special thanks to my lover Noxxy for telling me!
The Brave Little Toaster's Great Adventure!
Toaster and Lampy were sitting in the home of The Master on a warm, sunny summer's day. No one was home, so they were laying in front of Air Conditioner, enjoying his cool air.
"This is the life, ay Lampy?" said Toaster.
"You bet! I could do this all day long." said Lampy. Air Conditioner rolled his eyes, but continued blowing cold air on the two appliances.
Radio wondered into the room. "Heyyyy whatsa going on in here?" he excitedly yelled to the two.
"We're enjoying a nice artificial breeze, come join us!" Toaster yelled at Radio.
"Sounds like a plan, stan!" Radio said, bouncing over to his buddies.
Suddenly, the phone rang. The appliances knew better than to answer it, and let it ring. When it finished, they went back to enjoying the cool air.
Then a knock on the door. Toaster hurried to the kitchen, Radio to his table, and Lampy to his desk. They all froze, waiting for whoever was there to leave.
But they didn't. More knocking came, followed by pounding, and eventually...cracking. Whoever was at the door broke the it down and entered the home. His face was covered by a ski mask, and he was looking around for something to take.
"Hey, you get out of our house!" Kirby the vacuum cleaner said. He rushed to him, and hit him in the foot.
"The fuck? Is this some kind of Toy Story shit in this house?" the burglar said, picking up Kirby and throwing him out the door. Toaster sprang to life.
"You don't belong here! Leave now!" he shouted at the burglar.
"So, you're alive too. I know how to deal with you." The burglar picked up toaster, and unplugged him. He pulled his pants down, and slowly inserted his dick into the slots on Toaster's head.
"Woah, what do you think you're doing?!" Lampy said, hopping into the room.
"I'm fucking your toaster friend," the burglar said, thrusting in and out of Toaster's head. "And if you don't back off, you're next."
Lampy tired to attack, but the burglar was too quick. He unscrewed Lampy's base, and stuck the end of him up his own ass. With one hand, he pushed his dick into Toaster, and the other, he pushed Lampy deep inside of his ass.
Air Conditioner was laughing his frozen ass off. "Great! Fuck those bitches! Fuck them good!" he exclaimed.
"You shut up, cold man. I'm gonna fuck your filter out." the burglar snapped.
He threw Toaster on the ground, and moved (still with Lampy sticking out of his ass) to Air Conditioner.
"Woah now, you don't want to fuck me. I'm old, cold, and metal." Air Conditioner said, frightened.
"You have a point." the burglar said with a smirk. He pulled Lampy out of his ass, and wiped the shit that clung to his body over Air Conditioner's face. "How do you like that, heh? Eat my shit, you fuck."
Air Conditioner coughed and gagged as this man wiped his own shit all over his face. Toaster was crying in the kitchen. "You shut your goddamn mouth, you pussy toaster."
The burglar walked into the kitchen and squatted over Toaster. "Open wide, you little prick." The burglar pushed and pushed until a huge turd plopped out of his asshole, on Toaster's face. The burglar picked him up and continued fucking his slots. "You better fucking eat it."
With tear filled eyes, Toaster licked the shit off of his face. "That's right you stupid cunt. Now, where am I gonna cum?"
Just then, Blanky came down the steps. "What's going on? What's that noise?" The burglar smiled evilly. He threw the shit stained toaster to the ground, and walked to Blanky.
"You'll do fine."
"Fine for what? What are you doing to me? Master? MASTER?!" The burglar picked up Blanky and wrapped him around his dick. Pulling back and forth, laughing as Blanky cried in anguish.
"Yeah, you little fuck! Cry bitch!" He continued jerking off into Blanky until he spilled his load all over the inside of the poor little blanket.
Everyone, but the burglar, was crying. He laughed as he pulled his pants up. "I'm not even gonna steal anything. This was good enough." He walked over the broken door, and kicked Kirby in the face, laughing his ass off.
"What a great day." he said to himself.
Radio was hiding behind some books, and slowly emerged to look at the damage. Shit was everywhere. On the floor, on Lampy, on Air Conditioner, and worst of all, on (and in) Toaster. Radio hung his head in shame as him not doing anything, and wrapped his chord around his neck. He plugged himself in, and jumped off the shelf, which broke him in two, and killed him.
Toaster and Lampy plugged themselves in, and jumped into the bathtub, full of water.
And Blanky? You don't want to know about Blanky...
Don't be a pussy.
Also, hit me up on XBL: The RasckalKing
Guess who's going to a Rush concert in September?
OH MY FUCK.
I like movies. I like violent movies without an overall message or theme. I like movies that make you think. Well, in a way, Kick-Ass was both.
It glorifies violence in a way that shows you it's bad, much like Watchmen, but on the same note, has fun with it. It tells the message in a way that still will appeal to the blood lust in all of us. Like one of the friends says, "If anyone tried to be a superhero, they'd be killed in, like, a day."
True, that exact message doesn't play out in the film, but it's the overall 'message' they're trying to display. You can't just put on a mask and go fight people.
The violence was over the top and horrifying in the best possible way, and it had to be in order to convey what it wanted to.
Moving away from the more thought provoking part, let's move on to the other side. The awesome, kick you in the fucking balls, over the top, 11 year old girl saying 'cunt' action. Yeah. If you choose to ignore the earlier message, than you'll still be entertained as fuck.
The fights (especially Big Daddy's in the warehouse) are so fluid, so well put together, it was crazy. The way that little girl handled herself in those extreme situations was great. Chloe Whoever Whateverthefuck (Hit Girl) was just awesome in this, delivering her lines, punches, and bullets like a real professional.
Now, there is some controversy (obviously) of the 11 year old girl saying the word cunt. Get the fuck over yourselves. I, honestly, would be more worried about her chopping off a guy's leg or twirling a butterfly knife around like a pro. Not her cursing.
Anyways, I generally don't like Nic Cage. At all. There's very few instances where he's enjoyable, and he was very enjoyable in this. I loved his portrayal. He was a big Adam West-ian dork, and a badass, and I loved it.
The titular character was the most annoying in my opinion. I don't know what is was about him, but, he wasn't as likable as the rest. Not saying he was un-likable, just less. I think the character was just kind of full of himself. That "can do" attitude can be annoying when the person obviously can't do.
Anyways, I really did enjoy the film as a thinker and a "LOL HOLY SHIT THAT GUY'S LEGG JUST GOT CUT OFF BY A 11 YEAR OLD." 9/10
Best line? "Switch to kryptonite!" When you see the movie, you'll understand why.